Here we go...

I have been avoiding starting this blog...not sure why. Probably because I am afraid of what I might write...maybe make a mistake or say something I shouldn't.

First topic: You are not a social person.

I was told this weekend that I am anti-social or can be...I was really hurt. And almost bitter. Okay, I was bitter. Then I had to take a deep breath and figure out why I was so upset. I am upset because deep down that is one of my constant ever nagging fears. Is what people think of me, that they have summed me up in a moment. I let my fear of what others think control my time with other people...it's easier to hide from people than to try and face them and my thoughts of what they might think of me. Ridiculous I know but it is how I've let myself be lied to.

My anti-social...running away...is something that I do not want to face or work on but I know it's the only way I can try to change. I pray for grace...to change.

Also through this comment of hearing that I am anti-social that it is really hard for me to accept when people are honest with me. I do not want to hear that. And I am going to be hurt and play the victim...because I am the victim you have called me something that I am and I am hurt! Once again...ridiculous. I hate this human thing sometimes. Nothing sounds better sometimes than wanting to give up. Throw in the towel and quite at being human. Is that possible? Does God have a get out of humanness card? I wish.

Learning the yucky, black things about yourself is never fun. I really do not like these times...it makes my stomach churn and feel yucky, gives me a headache and makes me plain ole' crabby. I am not called to be these things. I pray that I could be a better example of what Christ actually calls us to be.

I wonder if anyone else in this world really feels as ridiculous and emotional as I do? A lot of times I think it's completely impossible for anyone to be as emotional as I am.